


Gone

by cafephan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, establishedrelationship, surprisingly fluffy elements??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 07:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3602262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafephan/pseuds/cafephan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After trusting in an adoption agency, four years later Dan and Phil were finally chosen to receive a baby. However, complications arise during the child’s first day, and the two of them end up going home alone.</p><p>Based on 'Gone' by Ebony Day (a few aspects changed), I recommend listening as you read.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gone

The door to the flat swung open, and Phil shuffled inside, dripping from head to toe. His red-rimmed eyes were pouring with tears, he was far from okay. Dan followed him inside, tears streaming from his own eyes, and sobbing so much there was no chance of controlling never mind stopping it. 

“I just want the pain to go away” Dan shrieked through his sobs, before curling up in the corner of the room with his knees to his chest.

After the night of tense waiting in the hospital, neither of the couple got any sleep, and in the end it was a fruitless endeavour. They returned home with the same quantity of people they left with – just the two of them. 

Phil had no idea how to comfort Dan, or if he even could at all. He needed comforting himself, but if he wasn’t the rock in the relationship, nobody else would be. He turned to look at his boyfriend, who was still sobbing erratically, but was now looking to the toybox that stood at the opposite end of the living room, unused and hidden by the shadows.  
“Dan, maybe we should get something to eat, your choice of takeaway” Phil said softly as he walked over and sat opposite his boyfriend. 

“He was right here, yesterday” Dan mumbled, looking up at the ceiling then down at his hands, which were in the position in which one would hold a small baby. His paternal instincts were still very much intact, and it broke Phil’s heart a million times over that he would never get to see Dan use them.

Phil swallowed back the lump in his throat, and kept his gaze firmly on Dan, determined not to break down again, although inside he was just as bad as Dan. 

“And where is he today? Tell me where he is, Phil. Please” Dan prompted, causing Phil to feel as if he was walking on extremely fragile eggshells. 

“He’s… he’s gone” Phil muttered quietly, as if the almost inaudible tone of his voice made the statement any less of a reality. 

Dan let off another batch of sobs, and for once Phil didn’t set off to comfort him, didn’t set to cradle him in his arms.

“Maybe it’s us” he stated, tone of voice as sturdy as a rock.

“What do you mean” Dan replied, wiping his eyes yet shifting his gaze to the wooden floor of the living room.

“Maybe it’s us. Maybe we’re not meant to be together, maybe we-“ 

“Don’t say it Phil, please” Dan begged, his voice as shaky as his hands. Usually, he would’ve laughed at the pathetic movie character saying the same thing, but somehow it wasn’t a cliché when happening in real life.

“But what if it us, Dan? If we were meant to be together, like really, meant to be together, why did this happen to us?” Phil began, his voice getting significantly louder with every syllable spoken.

Dan couldn’t respond, couldn’t believe the words were coming out of Phil’s mouth. He could only stare, and pray that Phil would see the true side of things, realise he was speaking things he hopefully didn’t mean.

“After all the years of trying and trying and trying, to get a damn adoption response for nearly four years, we were picked. And when it finally happened, our miracle baby, it was the best damn thing in my life. Why did this have to happen? To me? To us? If we were meant to be, like all that soulmate stuff we see everywhere, this wouldn’t have happened, it just wouldn’t” by the end of the speech Phil had ended up the way he started, in a crumple on the floor with his voice barely even a whisper.

He sat with his head in his hands for a few minutes, until his sobs had died down in volume and his breathing was somewhat manageable. He then focussed on Dan’s sobs, and how they didn’t change in volume, pitch or quantity. Every so often, he would hear his name in the undertone of a sob, occasionally in the context of a prayer.

Phil’s previous words caught up to him, and he realised how caught up in his own paranoia he was. He hurt Dan, more than he was hurting already. Without as much of a second thought he rushed over to his side and took Dan’s hand in his.

“Dan” he whispered, and moved a few strands of tear-soddened hair from in front of his eyes.

He dared to make eye contact, but could barely see through his clouded vision. Phil’s next words were likely to be ones that would break Dan into a million pieces, when he was already halfway there. 

“I’m sorry. I-I wasn’t thinking straight. Please know that I can’t lose you too. You’re all I have left. We just had to say goodbye to our little miracle baby, and maybe this is a test. Everything happens for a reason, and I think that-“

“What, what do you think?” Dan interjected, using his free hand to wipe away fresh tears that were staining on top of the old ones.

Phil debated with himself, then shook his head. “I don’t know, babe. Let’s go get some sleep, we’ll be able to think clearly in the morning” he told Dan softly, before scooping him up bridal style, letting Dan’s tears soak into his jumper as he tucked his boyfriend into their bed and slid in beside him.

***

Dan awoke from his light slumber a few hours later, feeling the same as before. The same agonisingly large metaphorical hole in his heart, the feeling of his entire life being a mere wrongdoing. 

He quickly realised Phil’s side of the bed was empty, and worry was immediately added to his list of current emotions. Phil would never just pick up and leave him, would he?  
As Dan was pulling a hoodie over his body, he darted a glance over at the clock, which read three minutes past midnight. He was rapidly becoming panic stricken, and needed to find his boyfriend as soon as possible, for his own sanity.

He slowly made his way into the living room. He cautiously flicked on the living room light switch, only to find the room empty, but the wall of windows showing the snowfall, as dainty as that described in children’s storybooks. Which were laid in the corner, now serving no purpose. 

It was only when he went to observe the contrasting white of the freshly fallen snow to the purple-black of the winter night sky that he saw a figure sitting on the curb of the pavement, the identity of them soon becoming clearer due to the signature checked shirt and oversized lion plushie hanging off his lap.

“Phil” Dan called softly, as he made his way out of the house and started down the garden path towards him.

He didn’t answer, didn’t acknowledge Dan’s existence.

“Philip” he called again, standing right behind him now, letting the snow fall messily onto his head, an event which he would be annoyed about at any other time.

“This would have been his first time seeing snow” Phil muttered, whilst picking up a handful of snow then lazily flicking it off of his hand in chunks.

Dan stayed silent, trying not to cry once again.

“I could have taken him a walk around the block, showing him how much fun snow would be when he grew up” Phil continued, causing a lump to form in Dan’s throat due to the imagery of Phil’s words.

“Babe… come inside. This isn’t what he would have wanted, you know it isn’t” the sentence was the hardest thing for Dan to say, it may have been construed of him brushing off his son. But no, he was right.

“You know, I can still feel the warmth I felt when I held him for the first time, just like this” Phil turned to Dan, then gestured his arms to show how one traditionally holds a newborn infant, much like Dan had done not too long ago. 

“I can still feel his little heartbeat, and his little fingers wrapped around my thumb” he continued, before turning his gaze to his thumb, then up at the moon.

Dan took a seat beside him on the curb, disregarding the fact he was not dressed for a winter night, at all.

“No, Phil… he’s gone” Dan said with a gulp, effectively swallowing back the sob that was on the tip of release. He reached over to take Phil’s hand in his own, which he willingly accepted. He kissed Dan’s hand gently, and Dan tightened his grip.

***

Dan found himself standing in the doorway of the nursery not too long after, staring at it in the moonlight. How the natural light only showed half of the Winnie The Pooh mural that was painted on the wall, how the paint can was still hanging untidily in the corner. How the room looked so different to when it was Dan’s old bedroom, before it was only logical for the established couple to sleep in one room, and they chose Phil’s.

How the crib stood prominent in the other corner, its plush mattress and pillows untouched. The mobile that hung from the ceiling above it, dangling down the ornaments and cuddly toys that family and friends had bought for Dan and Phil’s son.

Dan unwillingly thought back to the night just gone, how he and Phil had waited anxiously in the hospital room, just praying for someone to come and give them any news. Phil held Dan’s hand through the bars of the hospital bed, and Dan had the other hand cupped over his mouth as the nurse began to speak softly to them and tell them that they would be going home alone.

“If I knew that the first time I held you would have been the last, I never would have let you go” Dan spoke to the empty room, the break in his voice halfway through delivering the utterance echoing between the painted walls.

He reached out for a teddy bear that sat on the changing table by the door, and held it close. He reread the words on the bear’s shirt again and again, each time producing more and more tears.

‘Baby’s first teddy’.

Dan began to sob into the teddy bear’s head, the soft fibres struggling to absorb the moisture.

He squeezed his eyes shut as he cried, thinking that if he did then maybe the pain would be released a little more easily. He was wrong.

Soon enough Phil’s arms wrapped around Dan’s waist, and his head on Dan’s shoulder. He kissed the side of his neck tenderly, Dan not even noticing his usually oversensitive area of skin, and Phil slowly led him over to the crib, then took one of Dan’s hands. 

The other hand took hold of the teddy’s other arm which Dan wasn’t gripping, and together they placed the bear into the crib, tucking it under the cloud print duvet.

They then turned their attention to the window, where rays of sunlight were gradually beginning to break through the snow clouds. 

“We love you, and we miss you” Dan spoke softly, speaking to his own ray of sunshine that was no longer physically attainable.

“Wherever you are” Phil added, then took one of Dan’s hands in his own, their fingers linked tightly together.

A ray of harsh morning sunshine shone right onto the couple, and another found its way onto the teddy bear, making the glitter wording on its shirt gleam ever so brightly.

**Author's Note:**

> This work features in my 'Phan Compilation' on my profile and my phanfiction blog ( cafephan.tumblr.com )


End file.
